How to Make Friends as an Adult: How to Be a Better Friend

The Moment I Realized I Was Losing Friends

Five years ago, I got a job that enabled me to move to Silicon Valley.

I was ecstatic to move in with my partner after doing long distance for 5 years!

A new life with my partner, a new job in the Bay Area, in a new city to explore.

Yet, after the excitement of relocation wore off, I realized something unsettling: I felt lonely.

Packing all our belongings into the car for the big move!

I missed having friends to call for a casual chat.

As I mentally scrolled through my friends, I realized how many had quietly faded from my life. Months had passed since I'd last spoken to some. For others, it had been years. I knew nothing about their new jobs, relationships, or daily lives. Even worse, I had no idea how to reconnect because I’d missed so much.

How did this happen?

At first, I blamed my busyness: the move, the new city, the demanding job. I kept telling myself, “Once things settle down, I’ll reach out.” But the truth? Life never stops being busy. Waiting for the "perfect time" is like saying you’ll start exercising when you have more free time. It never comes.

Then I noticed my partner. Navigating the same transition, he still had monthly calls with his college buddies (friendships over a decade old!), ongoing text threads, and genuine connection.

How?

His secret wasn't grand gestures or huge time commitments. It was four simple, consistent habits bridging the gap between drifting apart and staying close.

A Year Later: Small Actions, Big Results

Hiking in Lake Tahoe with friends - a happy memory!

After implementing these habits myself, they worked wonders. I didn't reconnect with every old friend, but I'm incredibly grateful for the ones that I did.

There are many studies that show that people who have close friends are more satisfied with their lives and less likely to suffer from depression, and I can definitely say that it has made a big difference for me!

Here’s what made the difference:

Small, Consistent Actions That Keep Friendships Alive

1. Send That “This Made Me Think of You” Text

See a meme, article, or inside-joke reference? Don’t overthink it. Send it. Tiny, spontaneous messages remind friends they’re on your mind.

Studies show that even small conversations with others can boost our mood and increase our sense of belonging. You don’t need a long 3 hour chat to do so!

2. Check In During Life Changes (or Bad Weather!)

Heard about a snowstorm near their city? A big work deadline? A quick “How are you holding up?” shows you care, even from afar.

This study shows that unexpected and simple check-ins from friends are greatly appreciated and important, regardless of how long it has been since you last communicated. In fact, the initiator often underestimates how much the receiver appreciated the contact, especially if they weren’t expecting it.

I experienced this firsthand when I received one of these texts from a friend who I reconnected with recently.

The text I received from my friend a day before the super typhoon.

We were a day away from the strongest typhoon of the year. It was just 15 words, but it made me feel truly seen.

So, send that text!

3. Schedule Regular Calls (Even If You Cancel Later)

Put a monthly catch-up call in your calendar. Treat it like a flexible appointment. Most of the time, you’ll keep it. And if not, reschedule.

Witnessing my partner's monthly "no-agenda" calls with his college roommates is magic. They hop with no agenda and talk about everything from Amsterdam adventures, mental health struggles, and aging parents. The real stuff. That's how they've stayed close for 10+ years.

4. Prioritize Face-to-Face Time When Possible

Nothing replaces in-person connection. If you’re in the same city, meet up. If not, a video call works wonders.

Day 3 of our impromptu Naoshima adventure - visiting Yayoi Kasuma’s Red Pumpkin!

This hit home when my high school best friend needed a last-minute travel buddy after her Japan trip plans fell through. I jumped at the chance. It had been over 14 years since our last adventure, and because we live in different countries, we usually only see each other once a year.

Sharing six straight days exploring Japan created the kind of deep, shared memories that a lifetime of video calls simply can't replicate. We'll be reminiscing about this trip for decades.

Friendship Isn’t About Grand Gestures. It’s About Showing Up

Maintaining friendships doesn’t require huge time investments. It just requires consistency. The little things add up, and the effort is always worth it.

Many studies like this one show that adult friendships significantly predict well-being and protect us in times of stress, and help us live happier and healthier lives.

Now it’s your turn: Who’s someone you’ve been meaning to reconnect with? Send them a message today